VAR Cries, Arsenal Hire Polanski, Willock Gets Lost

Reporting live from the edge of plausibility

October 13, 2025

FOOTIE STAR LEFT DAZED AND CORNFUSED

Reports emerged earlier this week that Newcastle United midfielder Joe Willock, 26, had to be rescued from York’s smallest maze after a distress call to emergency services was made at around 5 pm on Tuesday.

The player is believed to have been lost for approximately six hours in what staff describe as “a light, family-friendly attraction visible from the car park.” The maze’s hedges are understood to stand at just one metre tall, allowing most visitors to “see the exit from anywhere inside.”

An eyewitness told High Press News that the Newcastle star “entered the maze but could not find his way out.” Fire and rescue services arrived at the scene several hours later, eventually deciding to airlift the 26-year-old to safety - a move one bystander described as “dramatic but justified.”

WIRTZ CASE SCENARIO! FAKE FLORIAN FOOLS THE REDS

Liverpool have reportedly been tricked into signing German midfielder Florian Wlrtz, a man who, sources confirm, is “visually identical” to the actual Florian Wirtz but spells his name with a lowercase L instead of an I.

The genuine Wirtz is said to be “deeply embarrassed” by the situation and has withdrawn from club football altogether, though he continues to represent Germany at international level.

Teammates claim he’s been visibly shaken by Wlrtz’s displays for Liverpool, allegedly telling them:

“It’s not the mistake that hurts, it’s that they seem happy with him.”

Manager Arne Slot reportedly praised Wlrtz’s enthusiasm, describing him as “a modern midfielder who doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing, but does it with real passion.”

Liverpool have since launched an internal review into their scouting methods.

Early findings suggest the club’s data department uses “font size 6” on official documents, a decision insiders now admit “may have played a small but crucial role in the disaster.”

ZACK POLANSKI APOLOGISES FOR ENLARGING ARSENAL’S BELIEFS WITH HIS MIND

Green Party leader Zack Polanski has apologised after claims that he “mentally enlarged” Arsenal’s belief system during a private session arranged by Mikel Arteta.

Arteta is reported to have hired Polanski after reading that he once helped women increase the size of their breasts using the power of thought, believing the same methods could be used to “expand” his players’ self-belief and help them finally push for major trophies.

According to insiders, the session was intended to boost confidence ahead of the new season but “went too far,” leaving several players “spiritually enormous.”

One witness said the squad emerged convinced they had already won the league, with Ben White reportedly turning up to training the next day with a fresh tattoo of himself holding three trophies in his arms, along with the text “Arsenal, Champions of the World, 25–26.”

Arteta is said to have been “delighted with the early results,” describing Polanski as “a visionary who understands how to grow belief from within, perhaps too well.”

Polanski has since apologised, admitting he may have “overstimulated Arsenal’s ambitions,” adding, “I only wanted to make them think bigger. I didn’t mean to make them delusional.”

WATFORD HAND JAVI GRACIA LONG-TERM ONE-MONTH DEAL

Watford have reappointed former boss Javi Gracia on what the club calls a “long-term, one-month project.”

The Spaniard said he was “excited to start unpacking, but not too much.”

A club statement described the deal as “the stability Watford have been looking for since mid-September.”

NEWCASTLE CONFIRM WOLTEMADE IS A STRETCHED GORDON

Newcastle officials have confirmed that new signing Nick Woltemade is, genetically, “a lengthened Anthony Gordon.”

Sources claim a German pube found in the Newcastle training ground urinal was DNA-matched to one plucked from Gordon’s chin, with results showing a 100% match.

When questioned, Eddie Howe refused to deny the reports, saying only that “Woltemade and Gordon share certain… properties.”

VAR TO BE GIVEN HUMAN FEELINGS BY 2026/27

The Premier League has confirmed that VAR will receive an “emotional intelligence upgrade” ahead of the 2026/27 season, allowing the system to experience basic human feelings such as empathy, hesitation, and regret.

Officials say the move will make VAR “more relatable” after years of criticism that it lacked compassion.

“We want fans to see that VAR isn’t cold and robotic, it’s just confused, like everyone else,” said one league spokesperson.

Under the new update, the system will reportedly flinch before awarding penalties, apologise when drawing offside lines, and occasionally overturn a decision “just to feel something.”

Early tests have shown promise, though one prototype was said to have “broken down in tears” after ruling out a last-minute winner.

The PGMOL insists the rollout will be gradual, with a future goal of teaching VAR forgiveness by 2028.